Think Smart to Act Stupid

Hey fellas!

Been some time since I updated this bitch. So here's something I've been thinking (something I don't normally do, go figure) - you gotta think real smart to do something stupid. For that, here's my tips on how to be stupid the right way:

Think before you act
If you're gonna throw a beer bottle at a school, firstly, make sure the beer bottle is emptied out (preferably by drinking the contents, asswipe!). Secondly, make sure you don't reattach the bottle cap if it's a resealable bottle (it'll give you a nasty cut, trust me, I know). Then, spread your legs a bit, and throw over the gates of the school (you want to hit a teacher on the head with that, not kill some bratty kid. Wait, that's a good idea too)

Get witnesses
Wished you had witnesses when you shat on your Dean's car? Yup. Get witnesses to, well, witness your stupidity-fueled activities. It makes retelling the stories much easier, too.

Don't go overboard
Getting your make-believe friend killed or the cops called on your ass is not cool. Be stupid, be moderate as well. And any activity including the possibility of you getting VD should be avoided at all costs. There's a lot of things you can do with your pecker, so you'd want to keep that safe.

What Kind Of Toilet Person Are You?

Confused
You take a dump in the shower, and bathe in the toilet bowl

Paranoid
You think the toilet bowl is shaking underneath your ass

Observant
You really felt the toilet bowl shaking underneath your ass due to the temblors in Indonesia

Ambidextrous
You take a dump in the toilet bowl and shower all at the same time

Super Ambidextrous
You take a dump in the toilet bowl, shower and masturbate all at the same time

Afraid
You check to see if there's anyone peeping on you outside the bathroom window

Horny
You invite the person peeping on you into the shower

Talented
You pick up the bar of soap that fell off the soapdish with your feet

Gifted
You pick up the bar of soap that fell off the soapdish with your cock

The Music Questionnaire

I got this from one of my best buddies and partner in displacing social norms, Slayerbabe. Here's my take on it!

1. What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
- A grand total of 19.4 GB


2. The CD you last bought?
- I bought 4 at once the last time I bought 'em:
1.Cradle Of Filth - Bitter Suites To Succubi
2.Cradle Of Filth - Midian
3.Dark Tranquility - Character
4.Slayer - Show No Mercy


3. What was the last song you listened to before reading this message?
- Slayer's Mandatory Suicide from the album "South Of Heaven"


4. Write down five songs that you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
METAL
- Slayer's Raining Blood (pure Thrash Metal intensity)
- Krisiun's Ageless Venomous (the band has the best drummer in the entire Death Metal genre IMO)
- Dark Tranquility's Lost To Apathy (it's a good song,what can I say)
- Opeth's Black Rose Immortal (at over 20 minutes long, this has to be one of the best songs ever written)
- Metallica's Fade To Black (the intro solo gets my hair standing on end everytime)

ROCK
- Bob Marley and The Wailers' Jamaica Rum (fun instrumental reggae to jam)
- Dire Straits' Sultans of Swing (grew up listening to them)
- Guns 'N Roses' November Rain (best solo in a rock song)
- Van Halen's Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love (the title alone explains a lot)
- KISS's Love Gun (a great classic rock track)


5. Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why.
1. Adli (the greatest metro there ever was,and there ever will be)
2. Azilah (my partner in Metal madness)
3. Thara (closet Metalhead)

Embrace Life

OK, I'm not gonna bitch about anything this time. Sorry, but I feel that I have to let this out to you guys, so here goes:

I got an SMS from and old friend last night around midnight, and among other things was the word CANCER. His other SMS had the words "2 years to live".

It's one of those times where you don't know what to do, or think. Your mouth goes dry, your breathing becomes harder, your heart beats faster.

And so the dreaded and unimaginable was now a macabre reality - an old friend of mine, well, more than just a friend (she was a mother to me, since she never had a son and considered me as her own) was in the hospital, diagnosed with cancer. Doctors told her she has 2 years to go.

I don't have any more information, and it just kills me. To most, I seem like my usual self - cheerful and noisy - but this is far from what is going on inside me.

This, is uncertainty.

There are just too many questions, and I regret not keeping in touch with her and her warm family who treated me like one of them - her 2 young daughters and a gentleman of a husband. The last time we saw each other, it was back in 2001, and 4 years passed without me or them establishing any form of communication.

For that I blame consequences - she's the sole bread winner of the family, and I've been trying to put my life back on track (after several near-derailments). The least I can do is call their home when I get the number again tomorrow, and pay her and her family a visit at the end of the sem. A friend has kindly offered me a lift to Perlis.

If you're still reading, here's where the story comes to a close and the lesson comes in: Embrace life. Be happy with the friends and family you are gifted with. Be happy with yourself. Life's too short. Live it.

God Gave Rock and Roll To Me

Something's horribly wrong when you can't share your interest in music with others around you.

OR horribly right!

Back in primary school, most of my classmates were into this bitchy girlband called Feminin. Remember them? Don't pretend you don't! There were a few exceptions, of course. Another friend of mine was into Nirvana, I didn't give a shit about them, or grunge, for that matter. No.

I was all about rock and roll.

To be specific, the Scorpions. I was a fan of them from listening to my uncles' tapes when I was about 6 or 7 (it could be a possibility that I started listening to them earlier than that, I can't recall that well). And the Scorps saved me from all the bitchfaced girlbands and buttfucking boybands that roamed the earth during the 90's.

Later on in life, I started listening to my uncles' more extreme material - to be specific, thrash metal. I can still remember the yellowing tape covers of Metallica's Kill 'Em All, Ride The Lightning and Master of Puppets albums. I still listen to those masterpieces on a pretty heavy rotation to this day, and I've learnt to play a lot of the guitar parts of those albums.

Sadly, though, there are still a few friends of mine who don't know the very element of my being. This online conversation took place some days ago, and it still hurts me to see this:

friend: try listenin to Pantera
friend: have u heard of em?
friend: now thats one good shit
me : hey,dudette
me : i cried when their guitarist died
me : youre talking to a metalhead here
friend: you lame ass
me : thats easy for you to say
me : he never inspired you to pursue something you truly believe in
me : he never was an inspiration to you

I cried like a little girl when Dimebag Darrell (ex-guitarist of Pantera) was shot and killed by a madman on the 8th of December last year. My mom thought I had lost my mind. I really don't give a fuck about anything else in life, to me it's all about the music I believe in - METAL.

I can go on for maybe a week without listening to metal, but then I'll resemble a raving junkie looking for a fix. An old Slayer or Metallica piece would usually get me back on track.

(PS)

One of my current roomies listens to Craig David, Justin Timberlake and Boyz II Men (he's old), but the Metal Gods took pity on my soul and another metalhead came in as my other roomie.

I guess I was right all along!

The Lamo Rhyme

This guy I know,
His name is O,
He’s horribly homo,
And rightfully so!

With a smile on his face he’ll talk to you,
“Good afternoon, how do you do?”
“Fuck that shit, I know you foo’!”
“You’re lamer than that guy you blew!”

This guy puts my patience to the test,
When he dumps on me a shitload of mess,
“I want your porn, I want it fast!”
“No, gimme another one, this girl got it in the ass!”

And now I conclude my story,
Of a bitch, sad and whiny,
‘Til we laugh again at his idiocy,
I wonder if he’ll ever see a panty?

Child's Play

Kids are bastards.

But then again, that's pretty obvious. I know, I know...I was once a kid, but I was a quiet and obedient kid (I shit you not). My mom used to tell me that I would be playing with a toy for hours on end, all by myself. What made me the person I am today is anyone's guess!

I never jumped on the television set, peed on the kitchen table, or tried to kill a neighbour's dog. None of that shit.

When I got home the past weekend, my brother told me that a little pest came into our room (the pest has a name, but it's better not to mention names when we're dealing with an evil of this magnitude). This pest, is the worst of it's kind; it will not shut up when told to and refuses to obey orders.

This pest, must be terminated.

It seems this pest came into our bedroom (which also serves as a home studio for my devilish musical purposes) when I wasn't around, and started stepping on my Jim Dunlop Original Crybaby Wah, which is made in the fucking US of A. This is the same fucking Wah that has served Jimi Hendrix, Slash and countless other rock Gods, and this little bastard had to put his feet on it! Blasphemy would be a proper word to use right now. Thankfully, though, the pedal is built like a tank with a solid steel casing, and is meant to be stepped on, so my fears were put to rest pretty soon. I did give the pedal a checking anyway, you don't know what sort of damage these critters can inflict on items.

I have also come up with a list of items to do when anyone comes into contact with pesky kids:

1. Introduce them the joy of playing with razorblades instead of Pokemon or whatever they're into right now (trends start with kids). Gotta catch 'em all, motherfuckers!

2. Hit them hard on the head with a solid blunt object (be creative - from hammers to handlebars, let your imagination run wild!). There are 3 levels of reaction once you complete the smashing - the usual cry, the loud cry, and the complete silence with body twitching. See what form of reaction you receive from your victim(s)!

3. Tell the kid(s) you've got *insert latest popular cartoon* on DVD, but instead play some German shit porn (Japanese shit porn will also work).

German shit porn DVD: RM15
DVD player: RM600
The expressions on the kids' faces: Priceless

I hope my list will help you deal with this scum effectively, as mature and conventional methods do not work on little brats. 'til the next kid bashing, I'm off to bed!